Successful Co-Parenting
by Mark Hirschfield, MFT

Mark Hirschfield, MFT, is a single parent and an experienced counselor in co-parenting issues. Co-parenting refers to the sharing of parental responsibilities between parents who have separated or divorced. It is a process in which two people negotiate their childrearing beliefs and their day-to-day shared parenting responsibilities. Conflict between former partners is probably inevitable, but what matters is how the conflict is managed. How you feel is less important than how you act on your feelings. Form a business relationship with your co-parent.

Keys to successful co-parenting

·          Respect each other's need for privacy. Share only information that pertains to your children.

·          Each parent has his/her own parenting style. As long as no harm is done, let your co-parent relate to your child as he/she sees fit.

·          Acknowledge what your co-parent has to offer your child. Take the terms of time-sharing agreements seriously.

·          Give advance notice about necessary changes in plans.

·          Be flexible and considerate in accommodating each other's needs.

·          Prepare your child in a positive way for each upcoming stay with the other parent.

·          Do not conduct custody, visitation, or support discussions in front of your child. Work on your problems with the other parent in private.

·          Do not use your child as a confidant, messenger, bill collector, or spy.

·          If your child wants to vent about the other parent, consider this indicative of a problem the child is working out, not a deficit in the co-parent.

What your child needs to know

·          The child is not the cause of the divorce.

·          Though the child spends scheduled time with each parent, the other parent is not rejecting him/her during that time.

·          The child still has a family, even though the parents are no longer married.

·          Although the parents' feelings towards each other have changed, their love for the child remains unchangeable.

·          The parents should agree on a reasonable explanation to give the child about the divorce, and make the explanation appropriate to the child's age.

·          As soon as matters are settled, the child needs to know what things in their life will stay the same and what things will change.

·          Tell your child it's OK to feel sad about the other parent's not being there all the time.

·          Make your child's daily routine as similar as possible at both houses.

·          Acknowledge that it's normal for the child to want you and your co-parent to get back together, but do not encourage or support this wish.

·          Tell your child that it's still OK to love both parents.

·          Acknowledge that divorce is hard on parents too, and that all family members need to adjust to the change.

·          Promote relationships between your child and people in both extended families.